When I was still a little child, and one of my favourite past-times was to go to my cousin’s house and play. I would play computer and random games with my cousins and we did have an unforgettable fun time. Til now, I still think I was much happier back then. However, I would be very sad at night when it was time for me and family to leave my cousin’s house. I wished that time would not pass so quickly, which happy moments are gone in the blinking of the eyes. But in real life, happiness don’t last forever. As I grow older and become more matured and when lovely times of playing childish but fun games ceased, I know that those blissful moments are gone forever.
So Jesus, I wish for you to take us with you soon, where happiness is then eternal, and separation no longer experienced.
When I was younger and in my adolescence, I don’t bother so much separation. I was even more exhilarated than depressed to leave my primary friends to head to my new secondary school after my PSLE to pursue the new phase of my life. I thought that it’s just meaningless to be sad over such matter, because they happen all the times. I have experienced many happy times and I know that they don’t last long enough for us. Because of my under-value of friendships and relationships, I did not even bother to keep in contact with my primary friends because I know that old friends will be forgotten one day and we will always meet new friends along the way. Moreover, It is not possible to stay in contact with everyone forever. We have to let go in the end.
But silly old me then realised the true value of friendships during my lower-sec life, when these cold attitude of mine towards people resulted in my me unfriendliness and arrogance. I had never think much about building true friendships back then, because I believe in setting greater priority in engaging myself in the one-man and lonesome pursuit of my self-centred ambitions: Good grades (1st in Level), Outstanding in CCAs, Fame and Popularity. And sure enough, none of them was achieved, because the process of pursuing all these alone is made meaningless and is already miserable enough for me to contain. As a result of all of my distorted belief about the value of friendships, I was often an outcast in class, ostracised and ignored. But upon my realisation that such belief that ‘because friendships don’t last forever, there’s no point treasuring it’ is inherently flawed, I forcefully and slowly allow myself to adopt a more genuine sincerity attitude towards treating other people, that this enriched me life with much joy and delight. At least, If we don’t live forever, we live in the moment.
Of course, I do relapse into my old way of thinking and living sometimes, being characterised as selfish, uncaring and unconcerned by others, to my breaking of my heart at times. But along the way, many true unforgettable circumstances that I believe to be specially God-given for me, especially the series of memorable events that happened from secondary 3 onwards, taught me many valuable life lessons that shape my character, slowly and surely. And I’m still learning them today. Friends, you do mean much to me now. Pardon my immature thoughts in the past and accept me for who I am again.
But as I fathomed deep into the meaning of friendships and relationships, separation then becomes even more depressing for me. During my Cambodia trip last year, the xsp members had developed strong connections and true friendships among ourselves overtime, as we toiled together with much sweats and supported one another during the difficult times in the course of this service learning project. There were occasional minor disputes among us, of clashes of interests and concerns, but which when later resolved, further strengthen the fibres of our friendships. There were many real emotions felt together and many heart-to-heart chat that I still hope for today. But as I had pondered over it, they will be bound to pass? Memories fade day by day, if not year by year, until we are only left with a smaller impression of what we have strongly experienced in the past of what it should have been a much more tangible and real experience. I must admit that I feel less now towards our Cambodia trip and the xsp members, as compared to the much heartfelt times together during the trip itself or the post-trip period. When we meet up again during the post-trip and bid goodbye to Ereka (Oh no, I even had forgotten how to spell her name), I was again depressed at the inevitability of ending those memorable moments of my life that I greatly treasured in my heart. It was like the time when I was in my father’s car, watching and sensing myself to be led further and further away from my cousin’s house that signalled the closure of those blissful time fooling around and playing wildly in his house . It was like when we dragged ourselves away reluctantly and emotionally, with tears in our eyes and sobbing uncontrollably, as we inched further and further away from the orphanage, and as we looked and see that the orphans are becoming smaller and smaller, until they are but black and indistinguishable ashes. And they are gone. Will we still remember them til the end of everything? It is so sad, that we have to be carried on in sailing the course of our lives. But this is life, and we are at the mercy of it.
And 402 class chalet. The class that I learnt much from. The people whom I have most frequently offended and respected, and not just that but resent and love. And all of which, love overflows of all them, however the ugly times are. You can see that it’s not just solely felt by me. I feel that the same feeling of longing to be together again resides in us all. The class is more integrated and we all enjoy the companion of one another. We even have the highest attendance rate for this end-year class chalet which we know that those who did not make it were not able to do so because of circumstances. Despite rain that hinder our plan for outdoor activities and more class-bonding activities, we are more or less happy just siting in the cramped and stuffy room, enjoying one another’s presence. Some of us remain awake the whole night, enjoying one of the very last of our moments together. When it’s time to bid farewell, we did it as if it were the beginning and not the end. Maybe it is, maybe it is not. But I know that my sadness towards this separation is just suppressed behind the facade of my usual cheerfulness. True emotions are not easy to be dug out, and many times while we are aware of the reality of loss and separation, we put a stop to the sadness triggered by it, because in life, we have to face many and much more of such cruelty. It’s all part and parcel of life.
But I love you all, for all that is.
Memories that I will keep close to my hearts,
Feelings, of many kinds, evoked and relished again,
Times of joyous, emotional and heartwarming,
Or even resentment, embarrassment and bitterness,
That I’ll not forget, for all that we have been together,
That such precious and magical memories we share together,
Let’s not forget this passing time,
But rejoice in once relishing them,
And maximising the prime of our youth,
In the class of 402’2010.
But I do not want to be on either extreme side of dealing with such separation. I do not want to be entirely numbed and neither do I want to be overly depressed at such fate. But as I allow this overwhelming gush of sadness to fully penetrate me, I also have to release and let go all of them.
So Lord, I plead with you to take away all of such anguish and earthly attachment of life, O Lord, please renew me with your strength in my vulnerability, so that I may rest in your power as you take me along sailing this course of life. So Lord, let me delight in you always, when life become notably unreliable and not worthwhile at the sight and experience of separation and losses. Because I know that at the very end, you, the Lord is the everlasting rock that I can depend on.
As such, there is hope and renewal for me, because of my faith in Jesus Christ who is not slow in keeping his promise. Separation and losses are all inevitable, but the Lord is always with us til the very end. Delight in the moment, because as swiftly it will be passed. Delight in all relationships that we are all blessed with. Let’s be overflowed with love for one another, because our life on earth is short.
